I was sitting on my bedroom floor, tears streaming down my face, as i confessed to my husband what a horrible mother i felt like. "I just don't feel connected to this baby" I said to him.
This was all new to me, in all of my pregnancies, I've never felt this way before. I always had an immediate connection to each baby, as soon as i got that positive test. But not this time, this time it was different.
Now please don't get disconnected confused with not wanting, because i absolutely want this baby. I have wanted him from day 1. I just haven't felt that connection with him.
I thought at first i would feel connected to him once i heard his heartbeat for the first time, but that didn't happen.
Then i thought maybe once i saw him on the ultrasound i would feel connected to him, but that didn't happen either.
Then i thought for sure once i started to feel him move around i would feel connected, but once again it just hasn't happened.
It really is the worst feeling not being connected to the growing life that is inside of you.
It's been a rough pregnancy from the get-go, a few times i thought for sure i was losing him. I think that might be a reason why i don't feel as connected, why get connected/attached to someone if they are just going to be taken from you.
No matter what reason i might give myself for feeling this way, it doesn't take away the guilt that comes along with these feelings.
My only hope left is that once i'm holding him in my arms, kissing on him and staring at his beautiful little face that i feel that connection I've been longing for since day 1.
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